- "Female ejaculation is actually just pee."
- ―Chirrut Îmwe
Achilles' Heelies, a Force-sensitive human male, was an F Plus Ridiculist who celebrated his 30th Birthday amid the COVID lockdown on June 7th, 2020. Along with his companions Spaceboots Stargears, A'dumb Bozeart, and Fat Hank The Pissboy, Heelies liberated the Prisoners of Sandprison from the Evil Emperor Baaa'by, by playing the traditional space game known as Peek-A-Boo, and then freeing all the prisoners while The Emperor had his hands over his eyes. He also had a job at some place.
Achilles' Heelies USED to be a kick-ass Jedi assassin, before Disney came along and fucking changed everything. He was so cool that he could just straight murder people and he got to keep being a light side Jedi because the force was fine with it. Every time he'd do a sick flip and murder somebody, he'd pull down his shades and say something like "I guess you just couldn't handle the FORCE of my sword", or something, I dunno it was cooler when he said it. The following is an incomplete list[needs expanding!] of Sith that Heelies killed, before Disney ruined his character so they could sell him to children:
- Horker da'Chorker
- Count Viscous, Lord of the Thiccness
- Unknown guy with coffee maker
- Centruroides Sculpturatus
- The cigarette smoking man
- Darth Pregante
- Darth Gregnant
- Darth Prengan
- Darth Pgrenant
- The Wicked Witch (East and West)
- Aaaron Sore-kin
- Iniquitous Sinfull
- Woe Indecency
- Savage Opress, ahh shit, I fucked up, this one is real
- Vice President
- Crimey Harm'em
- Darth Swell, the approachable Sith lord.
- Unnamed Sith with cool revolver
- Unnamed Sith caught in bathroom
- Unnamed Sith, the guy that missed the day where you pick out your Sith name
- Garbagebot 7-Ax (only revealed to have been a secret Sith lord later, in the semi-canon "Tales of the garbagebots" comics)
- Dork Vader
- Darth Xecrable
- Nefarious B.I.G.
- Malificous Intent
- Atrocitus Tourism
- Achilles Heeelies
- Achilles Heeeelies [debatably non-canon]
- Seileeh Sellihca [technically he was un-killed, since he's from the mirrorverse]
- Mal Odorous
- Naz-onex B
- Drizzt Do'Urden
- Dingo Egret
- Keel Basa
- Kaine and D-Roc, the Yin Yang Twins
- Ayedee Bee'El, the shame of the Sith
- Biscuit Baron
- Damned Margera
- Poker playing Sith lord 1
- Poker playing Sith lord 2
- Poker playing Sith lord 4
- Darth Vader. That's right bitches, he lived!!!! Oh shit! But he's dead again now. Heelies killed him.
- George Lucas
He used to be fucking baller, is what I'm saying. Now he's like, "oh no maybe I shouldn't kill this unarmed man", it's fucking BULLSHIT. THIS troper won't rest until Disney puts out at least 3 pieces of apocrypha addressing these inconsistencies! Until they do, I refuse to read ANY further star wars content including him (excepting the 3 ongoing series that I'm already reading).
Achilles' Heelies first appeared in Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace. He appears in one scene, where he and Qui-Gon Jinn talk about how important the trade embargo of Naboo is , and explain the various mechanisms of economic control the Sith are using to manipulate universal politics. In the original cut, this scene was 26 minutes long, but in the final cut it's been trimmed down significantly. In fact, the scene only appears in the background of another scene, with Heeliesonly halfway-visible on camera,although intrepid observers can still make out parts of the conversation via lip reading.
In this first appearance, Heelies is portrayed as a small, plantlike creature. This caused fans much confusion when he later appeared in episodes 7 and 9 as a human, portrayed by professional Soap shoer Ryan Jaunzemis. Even further confusion ensued when it was revealed that one of the small lizards in episode 4 was ALSO Heelies. This was eventually clarified in the 4 book series "The Dragon Trilogy", which reveal that Heelies was, in fact, a Nyantolo. His various appearances were explained to be a Jedi mind trick he used to disguise himself from his landlord, to whom he owed several months rent.
- "War! Huh? What is it good for? Absolutely, say it again."
- ―Edwin Starrwarss
Achilles' Heelies has held several high-ranking positions in both the Galactic Empire and the Rebel Alliance. This is a list of known battles, wars, disputes, and other deadly conflicts, that Heelies has participated in.
- Second Galactic Civil War
- The Battle of Endor
- The Liberation of Coruscant
- The Clone Wars
- The Bone Wars
- Avengers: Infinity War
- The Star Wars (different ones)
- The Pepsi Challenge
- Darmok and Heelies at Tanagra
- Battlestar Galactica (stopped watching during season 4)
- Tosche Station Jawa-eating Contest
- "What is the measure of a man? Is it it his strength of character? How he handles his blade? The tender but firm way that he kisses a woman? No! If you want to truly know a man, you must look at his socks"
- ―Darth Cunning
Achilles' Heelies was known to wear a fun pair of dress socks with a geometric pattern. These socks were believed by some to imbue him with like, The Force, or whatever. Once, Queen Lasertits tried to trick Heelies into removing his socks, by uttering the famous phrase "Ba ba black sheep, have you any wool, I sure think your socks are cool." It's very important that you know Queen Lasertits was from a planet that pronounced the word "wool" with a long "ooo" sound, therefore it rhymed with the word "cool".
A screwdriver was a device used for repairing or dismantling manufactured devices. They were typically made of space-metal, such as Stieelle or Aluminimiminiminiminimum, and are composed of a single cylander of space metal with a shape on one end, and then a handle (or "Hand Grib Device Quadrant", in Loovieum) where the user can grip the screwdriver. Screwdrivers do not have special powers and can't sedate animals or stop bullets. That's not a Star Wars thing, that's fucking Dr. Who, Phillip! God, you're embarassing yourself.
Achilles Heelies owned a screwdriver that is black. He used to have another black screwdriver that he found on an off ramp, and he picked it up and carried for like five years, but eventually he lost it.
He also owned a three pound weight that he probably found on a different off-ramp. The purpose of the weight is unknown; Who the fuck needs a three pound weight?
Throughout the latter part of The War Where The Robots Were Mad At The Humans For Being Mean To Them and into the majority of The War Where Everything Seemed Like It Was Fine But Then The Robots Got Mad Again About How The Humans Treated Them, toast was enjoyed by high ranking government officials as well as lowly staff like the guy that came over to fix My Mom's doorbell last week. I think his name was Carlos. He was weird. Mom wanted me to fix the doorbell but I told her I don't know anything about how doorbells work.
Toast was made by applying direct heat to bread. This was done in several ways, but the most common method for converting toast into bread was to use a specialized machine known colloquially as a "toaster" which had heated coils inside that would heat each slice of bread on both sides. Or you could use The Force.
Achilles Heelies preferred his toast to be only slightly toasted, which is basically just warm bread.
Incredible Powers Over Nature
Perhaps owing to his prescription sunglasses, or perhaps his role in The 100 Minute Zoning Board Meeting where beloved Star Wars characters Jesus-Ghandi Saviore and Praetor Looksgoodbutisactuallyevil convened to discuss Space Proposition SP-986, Heelies gained the power to control all animals.
As a result, Achilles' Heelies has once pet a llama. Also a wallaby.
Martial Arts Prowress
He once took a hot yoga class and liked it.
Other Culinary Preferences
In The Battle For Strumnnnn, Achilles Heelies expressed a fondness for what was known as Mexican Food such as enchiladas, refried beans, and Nacho Cheese Doritos. His near constant hunger for Mexican Food could sometimes be satiated by cooking things in his Parlour d'Pasturage (or "Kitchen")
Possessing a skill known to very few Star Wars fans, Achilles could use The Force (and also natural gas, I suppose) to combine ingredients into a Mee'al. His methods for doing this are widely unknown, but it's believed that a spatula shaped like a guitar was involved.HIS FAVORITE BURNER IS THE BOTTOM LEFT ONE.
Role in The LEGO® F Plus™
In the The LEGO® F Plus™ series of video games for the Xbox One, PlayStation 2, and Panty Panty Mahjong Tablet, the character of Achilles' Heelies does not show up until the third game in the series, The LEGO® F Plus™ Jerk Off Every One Of The LEGO™ Harlem Globetrotters. In the game, Heelies is actually portrayed by avante garde performer Diamonda Galas, which is actually just a re-recording of the 1982's "The Litanies of Satan", this fact went unnoticed for two years.
The game received 98 out of 100 on IGN, the worst score of the entire series, with video game journalist Rich Whiteman saying of the subplot where Heelies separates from the rest of the group in order to find one of several hundred thousand special bricks was a victory of the SJWs which somehow ruined his childhood. He then went on to describe his recurring sexual fantasy where he's decapitated by the lady from Lollipop Chainsaw.
The Breakfast Cereal
In the Official breakfast cereal, Heelies' character is described as "never backing away from a task, always there to fight injustice and right wrongs. Determined, honorable, and forever striving for a better world."
However, it's just mislabeled Boo Berry
The Very True Adventures Of The F Plus
This book was never published.
Notes & References
ERROR: Footnotes cited are too boring to show.